The inimitable John Gizzi did as he pleased in taking his Jimmy Fallonesque turn at Da Box's "Weekend Update" last week -- from nowhere, actually, he did so twice -- and while I hope that doesn't make me Tina Fey, here are a few thoughts to chew on during a slow July Sunday nearing the century mark in games for this 2003 season ...
Roy Halladay may be the American League's best starting pitcher so far this season, but is there any more surprising ace in baseball than Sidney Ponson? Sir Sidney notched his 13th win of the year yesterday, and the Rangers really must be considering whether or not a knighthood might turn around Chan Ho Park ...
Speaking of the Rangers, much was made of the fact that the recent "All-Star" Game (seriously ... with Lance Carter in uniform, can you bring yourself to write "All-Star" without putting the phrase in quotes?) featured opposing starting pitchers in Jason Schmidt and Esteban Loiaza ...
... who were once teammates on the not-overloaded-with-pitching-depth Pittsburgh Pirates. Then again, if it's true that barring injury, Kevin Brown would have started the game for the National League, do you think Tom Hicks' teeth hurt when he realized the headline could have been "Former Rangers Square Off in Midsummer Classic"? ...
Speaking of the All-Star Game, here's what I learned: when your lovely bride of nearly six years takes it upon herself to buy beer and to prepare brats, baked beans and apple pie just because she knows the "All-Star" Game was a big deal to you when you were younger, well, go ahead and fall asleep in the fourth inning and wake up for the final batter of the game. It's all good ...
Speaking of "all good," Old-Style-NL-West Edition ... Watching three Cardinals lead off the game for the National League reminded me of the late 1970's when it seemed the entire National League roster was made up of Reds, Dodgers and Phillies ... Living in Ohio at the time, the Reds/Dodgers rivalry from around 1973-1979 was as heated as any non-Yankees/Red Sox rivalry I can remember ...
Speaking of the Reds and Dodgers, just for a minute, imagine that you're the manager of a team with the current Reds' pitching staff and the current Dodgers' offense ... Wouldn't you pretty much trade jobs with Alan Trammell without blinking? ... So the Dodgers are fixing their offense with Jeromy Burnitz and Rickey Henderson. Pretty sure the Diamondbacks are concerned that will cancel out the return of Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson ...
Speaking of Rickey, the man homers in his first game back from New Jersey. Rickey knew that Rickey could do it. Can someone somewhere start a Rickey Watch? This really needs to happen ...
Speaking of veteran adjustments, Tom Glavine is 6-6 against "everyone else" and 0-4 against the Braves ... This whole idea of importing a veteran lefty with more than 200 wins to help lead a struggling young pitching staff has a wonderful historical precedent in Flushing, of course ... The 1976 acquisition of Mickey Lolich worked wonders for hot young Met hurlers Craig Swan and Nino Espinosa ... Of course, Lolich only cost the Mets Rusty Staub, who knocked in 423 runs for the Tigers over the next four seasons, while Glavine only cost the Mets $42 million …
Speaking of Glavine ... With the retirement of David Cone and the still-unsigned status of Chuck Finley, there are currently 12 active major league pitchers with at least 2,500 career innings pitched. In order (in some cases depending on what day you read this), they are Roger Clemens, Greg Maddux, Glavine, Johnson, Brown, David Wells, John Smoltz, Jamie Moyer, Mike Mussina, Kevin Appier, our Mystery Guest and Schilling. A Batter's Box No-Prize to the first reader who -- without looking it up, you're on the honor system here -- can name that Mystery Guest twelfth stalwart starter. He's a former 20-game winner, if that helps. And bonus points to anyone who gets the answer right and can explain the origin and meaning of the term "No-Prize" ...
Speaking of Clemens, we're so focused on home runs in the Great Game these days, that it's shocking no major media outlets continued to follow the Yankees around after the Rocket's 300th win to chronicle the achievement of the great Todd Zeile ... The former Cardinal, Cub, Oriole, Phillie, Dodger, Ranger, Marlin, Met and Rockie now has 239 career dingers, claiming the distinction of most homers by a player whose name begins with the letter "Z." The former record holder was Gus Zernial with 237, though I admit if you'd put that question to me on Jeopardy, I would have confidently answered "Richie Zisk," who hit just 207 ... It seemed likely that 2003 would be a season where two new alphabetical home run kings were crowned, as Zeile's Scrabble-me-now partner Mark Quinn entered the season just three blasts shy of overtaking the all-time lead for Q. But Quinn's bizarre plummet from prospect to future independent league star means the legendary Jamie Quirk remains at the Q-Tip with 45 homers ...
Speaking of home runs, the Mariners recently designated minor league OF Kenny Kelly for assignment. Kelly is the former University of Miami Hurricane quarterback, which brings to mind the struggles of another former big-time college signal-caller -- and no, Yankee fans, we're not talking about Drew Henson. As of this writing, former Texas Longhorn quarterback Adam Dunn is hitting .205 with 25 homers and 48 RBI. At that pace, he will hit 43 homers and knock in 83 runs, which would demolish the record for fewest RBI in a 40-homer season (Darrell Evans 1985 -- 40/94) ...
Speaking of unwanted home run records, a better question might be, if Dunn allows his season-ending batting average to fall below the Mendoza line, would he break the record for most home runs by a player with an average below .200? I don't know what that record is; my confident Zisk-esque guess as to the holder would've been Dave Kingman, but Kong's closest approximation of that dubious double was 37 homers and a .204 average with the 1982 Mets ...
Speaking (still) of home run records, when Troy Glaus hit his 155th home run this season -- he now has 163 -- the slugging third sacker moved into the top five all-time on the Angels' career HR list; by season's end he'll likely be fourth overall behind Tim Salmon, Brian Downing and Garrett Anderson. Has any non-1990's-expansion team ever had three of their top four all-time home run hitters all active and all still on the team at the same time? ...
Speaking of questions I don't have an answer for … These "Turn Back the Clock" guest announcers ESPN keeps importing are a great idea -- usually. But can we assume the second man in the booth should step up and correct an icon like Curt Gowdy if, oh, hypothetically, the icon spends an entire game referring to "third baseman Shane Hildebrand"? ... Was "The Pete Rose Trial" on ESPN the dumbest use of sports television airwaves in the history of broadcasting? And seriously, are Johnnie Cochran and Alan Dershowitz that desperate for media attention? ...
When Johnny Bench moved to 3B late in his career, that seemed very wrong to me. Later, when Carlton Fisk moved to LF, that seemed even more wrong. But when there's talk about possible controversy surrounding Mike Piazza's inevitable move 90 feet up the first base line, does anyone have a problem with this? Anyone? Bueller? … Did you notice that the Expos named Matt Blank as the proverbial "player to be named later" in the Livan Hernandez trade with the Giants? Okay, now why wasn't someone paying attention enough to do a brief Gene Rayburn impression in making this announcement. Match Game 2003: "Cuban refugee and golf-club-assassin Livan Hernandez was traded for ... Blank ... "? ...
Finally ... a brief Andujar YouNeverKnow Award update, with a full "mid-season" update coming in the next day or two … Yesterday, Shane Spencer, who tied for 7th place in the pre-season Andujar voting, was traded to the Rangers, which probably makes him ineligible for the award (we'll have to have a rules discussion if anyone disagrees with this interpretation) … In fact, fellow top-10 Andujar nominees Jeff Suppan and John Thomson are rumored to be on the block ... Who's the mid-year favorite to win the coveted Box award? Here's a hint: he wasn't mentioned once, even in passing, in any pre-season discussion, but he is mentioned previously on this very page ...
Speaking of this very page ... what've you got to say?
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