Pinch-Hit Hall of Names: The All-Simpsons Team
Tuesday, September 07 2004 @ 10:35 AM EDT
Contributed by: Mick Doherty
Okay, as we've expanded our "Baseball Hall of Names" universe into the world of Pop Culture (witness the recent had the all-Grease and all-Sesame Street teams, it was bound to happen ... a Hall of Names entry for the fourth-greatest TV show of all time: The Simpsons
Actually, this entry comes to us as a special "Pinch-Hit" from Jim Turner of TorontoBaseballGuys.com, who knows how to take advantage of an off-day for the home team, as he writes, "What with no game today, I threw together a little something for the site." Take it away, Jim! (And you could've at least acknowledged me ... my name is "Doh!"erty, after all.)
By Jim Turner
More than a simple TV show, The Simpsons has become almost its own language. Hang out with fans of the show long enough, and you will inevitably start trading quotes as part of daily conversation, whether mimicking Homer's paranoia ...
"Or you'll do what? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths? And when they bark they shoot bees at you?"
Or answering the phone a la Mr. Burns:
Rejoicing in the simple pleasure of "Bed goes up ... bed goes down," or lamenting the state of cool: "I used to be with it. Then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it is weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you."
The Simpsons has percolated into the lexicon like few other shows. It's quoted almost daily on this site, and it's no coincidence that the Cheer Club guys will suddenly let out a cry of "Flan-ders!" when trying to jar an opposing pitcher. It will be interesting in 20 years to see if our kids will have any clue what we're talking about.
With that in mind, on the heels of the all-Sesame Street team, I give you the All-Simpsons team. The Simpsons have had a special relationship with baseball over the years, with the Softball episode featuring nine major leaguers and almost as many misfortunes. "Nine separate misfortunes? That will never happen. Three misfortunes, that's possible. Seven misfortunes, there's an outside chance. But nine misfortunes? I'd like to see that!," as C. Montgomery Burns, the latter-day Cap Anson, noted.
And who could forget this memorable exchange?
Bart: I'm Tomokazu Ohka of the Montreal Expos!
Milhouse: And I'm Esteban Yan of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays!
Finally, we have life imitating art, as the Albuquerque Isotopes minor league franchise took its name from a Simpsons episode. So an All-Simpsons team seems like a natural. Sure, there are no "Krustys" to be found in the game's history, and a Nahasapeemapetilon has yet to step foot on a major league field - tell me that wouldn't be the hottest jersey in all of baseball - but with a huge cast of available characters, it didn't take long to put together a credible squad.
First, some ground rules.
- No one-episode cameos were permitted, so with apologies to NFH, Hank "Scorpio" Aaron, had to go. Without such a rule, the entire Nuclear Plant softball team would be eligible.
- Second, it was desirable to find ballplayers with some substance. Sure, it would have been nice to find a place for Fred "Professor" Frink, but he had only two games played. That may play in the sticks, but this is Capital City.
- Third, the near-spellings had to go, like
RP Wayland "Smithers" Dean and 2B/3B Paddy "& Selma" Baumann They're cut.
- Finally, no parts of names. I wanted to include a McBain reference, but had to let both SP Randy Wolf and OF John Castle go. Rest assured, they have been sent down to the Tacoma Rainiers.
And while geographically fun, there just wasn't any room for Jack Spring, Jim Field or even John Shelby "Ville"
With that out of the way, here is the All-Simpsons All-Name All-Stars:
* - MLB All-Star
** - Hall of Famer
[Ed. note: Todd and Rod manning the left side of the infield? Your manager -- see below -- says, "Hey diddly diddly, boys, catch the ball like Jesus caught the fish!"]
Starting Lineup
C Moe "Syzlak" Berg
1B Todd "Flanders" Helton *
2B Rod "Flanders" Carew **
3B "Fat" Tony Perez**
SS Oyster "Mr." Burns
LF Lenny "Leonard" Dykstra *
CF "Groundskeeper" Willie Mays **
RF "Sideshow" Mel Ott **
DH Ralph "Wiggum" Kiner **
Bench
OF/1B Bob "Principal" Skinner
UT Duff "Man" Cooley
1B Harry Simpson *
OF Homer "Simpson" Smoot
2B/3B Wayne "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger
Rotation
SP Carl "Carlson" Hubbell **
SP "Comic Book" Guy Hecker
SP Bart "Simpson" Colon*
SP Jim Clancy "Wiggum" *
SP Greg "Dr." Hibbard
Bullpen
RP Jim "Bo" Jones
RP Bob "Troy" McClure
RP Jeff Nelson "Munce" *
RP Dick "Patty &" Selma
RP Kent "Brockman" Tekulve *
RP George "Superintendent" Chalmers
Manager
Ned "Flanders" Hanlon **
The offense is quite a bit stronger than the pitching here, but I'm sure that each of the pitchers could ride a Five-Hall of Famer lineup into "knowing how to win."
Moe Berg is easily the weakest hitter in the lineup, but hey, he spoke 12 languages, and I think the rest of the boys can carry the load.
As for Blue Jays content, Jim Clancy is a solid #4 starter, while Homer Bush did receive some consideration as a pinch runner, defensive replacement, but was aced out by Homer Smoot, so he's cut.
Any other suggestions?
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