Jays 7, Mariners 5, and the definitive Blue Jays drinking game

Friday, September 23 2005 @ 09:00 AM EDT

Let's be honest: I have very little to offer in the way of analysis when it comes to baseball. If you want me to explain how David Peoples took a wonderful novel by Philip K. Dick and stripped it of its complexity by replacing the plot with that of Disney's Pinocchio, I could go on for hours. But baseball, I just enjoy watching it, especially when the home side wins.

That's why I am about to attempt to set down the rules to the Definitive Toronto Blue Jays Drinking Game. As always, I need your help and suggestions.

Now, there will necessarily be some fun poked at our beloved broadcasters, and I'd like to say off the top that I have a lot of respect for all of them, even the guys I usually slag. Especially Rod Black: he's a guy who does all different kinds of broadcasts and pulls them off smoothly and professionally. I cannot imagine how difficult that is.

With that out of the way, our first category is...

Broadcasters

• Take a drink if Rod Black mentions Derek Jeter together with any of the following: clutch, Hall of Fame, not making the All-Star team in 2005.
• Finish your drink if the Blue Jays are not playing the Yankees when he mentions this.
• If Jamie Campbell mentions Jesse Barfield, drink.
• If Warren Sawkiw begins a sentence talking about one thing but ends it talking about something totally different without a sensible segue, drink.
• If Jerry Howarth says something down-home or folksy, drink.
• If anyone describes a fly ball as shallow only to have it leave the park, finish your drink.
• If anyone reaches for a time-tested cliche, drink. Can include: hitting is contagious, pitcher helping his own cause, getting off the shnide, professional hitter.
• If Rod Black incongruously slips a "hip" word into a sentence, drink.
• Drink twice if the word is "bling".
• Finish your drink if he pauses for dramatic effect before or after using the word.
• If Jerry Howarth laughs at something incredibly corny, drink.
• If Warren Sawkiw also laughs, drink twice.
• If Mike Wilner so much as snickers, finish your drink.
• If someone calls Jays Talk with a really dumb idea and Mike Wilner lets 'em have it, finish your drink.
• If anyone mentions bizarre biographical player information gleaned from the visiting team's media guide, drink.
• Drink twice if it's Joey Gathright jumping over cars.
• Take a drink if Rod Black says "Oh baby".
• If Darrin Fletcher is the colour man, drink every time he tells a story that has a punchline.
• If Rance Mulliniks is the colour man, drink every time you see his mustache.
• Drink twice if anyone mentions his mustache.
• Finish your drink if Rance himself mentions it.
• If anyone mentions this website, drink.
• Drink twice if they get the URL wrong.
• If anyone refers to Pat Tabler as "Tabby", drink.
• If anyone complains about the outcome of the nightly poll, drink.
• If Jamie Campbell quotes song lyrics but does not sing them, drink.
• If his colour man completes the lyric, drink twice.
• Finish your drink if either of them attempts to hum or sing the song.
• If any announcer mentions something off the top of the broadcast and then continues to mention it throughout the game, drink each time.
• Finish your drink if they continue to mention it even if it is proven false during the game.
• If anyone mentions the amount of visible concrete at the Rogers Centre, drink.
• If Rod Black makes up a nickname for anyone, drink every time he uses it. Example: "Gregg Zaun has been Mister Doubles".
• Drink twice if anyone else uses the nickname.
• If anyone mentions what country Corey Koskie comes from, drink.
• Drink twice if they mention what province.
• Finish your drink if they mention what town.
• If Jamie Campbell starts to mention anything on this list but then stops himself because he's read the thread, finish your drink.

• If Reed Johnson does his tripod impression, drink.
• If the camera quickly cuts away on the television broadcast, finish your drink.
• If Ernie Whitt's contributions to Canada and Canadian baseball are listed, drink.
• Finish your drink if anyone mentions Ernie and Mother's Restaurant.
• If John Gibbons stalks around like a caged tiger while yelling at an umpire, drink.
• Drink again if he throws his hat on the ground.
• Finish your drink if he throws it onto home plate.
• If either Reed Johnson or Shea Hillenbrand are hit by a pitch, drink.
• If anyone else on the team is hit by a pitch, drink twice.
• Every time Orlando Hudson does something that prompts an announcer to shout his name, drink.
• Drink twice if they mention Web Gems.
• Finish your drink if they explain that Web Gems is a segment on an American sports network that we don't get in Canada.
• If J.P. Ricciardi is on the post-game show and is interrupted by his phone ringing or someone on the other line, drink.
• Drink twice if he checks and it's his wife or kids.
• If Paul Godfrey does anything that involves a helicopter, a laser or any other tool that would be commonly found in a super-villain's headquarters, drink.
• If Shea Hillenbrand smiles, finish your drink.
• Drink every time a Ken Huckaby at-bat doesn't result in an out.
• If anyone mentions Miguel Batista's poetry or novel, drink.
• If anyone says they've actually read either, finish your drink.

• If a visiting outfielder misplays a ball off of the Rogers Centre outfield scoreboards, drink.
• If someone gets a face full of shaving cream in their post-game interview, drink.
• If an opposing player or manager complains about the turf, drink.
• If they complain about the scoreboards, drink.
• If they complain about the scoreboards after misplaying a ball off of them, finish your drink.

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