The Brady Bunch (Sort of ...)

Sunday, February 03 2008 @ 12:05 AM EST

Contributed by: Mick Doherty

Okay, I'll start this Super Bowl Sunday Hall of Names exercise with a confession -- even though I now live in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex, I am a New York Giants fan. And yes, I fully expect to see them completely torched by New England's Perfect Patriots today. (I hope I'm wrong, of course.)

And as much as I'd love to do a Hall of Names piece honoring XVII MVP QB Eli Manning, there have been just four MLB vets who went by "Eli," and just eight named Manning. Okay, if the Giants pull off the monumental upset, we'll see about piecing one together; but for now, as the title of this article should have already suggested, we'll focus that "honor" (jinx?) on the real probable XVII MVP QB ...

... Tom Brady.

Now, when you search "Brady" at the greatness of, you get 13 MLB returns -- three first names, including our only All-Star and the rest last/family names -- surprisingly, no middle names. Sadly, none of the aforementioned last-name Brady ballplayers were named Tom and none shared a name with Greg, Peter or Bobby (much less Marcia, Jan or Cindy) of Bunch fame, either.

Regardless, while we obviously can't fill out a full roster, let's see if there's a starting lineup in there ... well, in fact, there isn't. (And before you suggest it, we've already done teams for players with the first, middle and last name "Thomas," so we're not going back there.)

Instead, we'll do what the Patriots would do if Brady were to, unthinkably, have to come out of the game today -- nothing serious, just something to cause him to miss, oh, 57 minutes of game time -- and go to backups Matt Cassel (one last/family name) and Matt Gutierrez (five last/family and one middle names). Oddly, we don't appear to ever have (yet) done an all-Matthew team; that's coming, then!

Unbelievably, we might actually fill out a whole roster with these three names and thus have to re-think our team name to be, simply enough ...

** indicates Hall of Famer (none)
* indicates All-Star

Note: we are only considering active QBs, so don't bother hunting for players named Grogan, Eason, Flutie or Bledsoe. (Besides, there's not much help there. One last/family and one middle name each for Eason, and nothing else!)

Manager: Good ol' Mike Brady, architect of the Sherwood Schwarz show, takes the reins!

C Bob Brady (1-for-6, 1946-47 BSN)
1B Steve Brady (mostly OF; did all but P, .261, parts of 1874-86)
2B Cliff Brady (.228, 180 AB, 1920 BSN)
SS Jackie Gutierrez (.237, 1983-88; started for '84-85 BOS)
3B Ricky Gutierrez (mostly SS, .266, 1993-2004)
LF Brady Clark (.278, 200-07 so far)
CF Brady Anderson* (210 HR, 315 SB, 1988-2002; 50 HR in 1996)
RF Franklin Gutierrez (.267 since 2005 with CLE; 13 HR in '07)
DH Doug Brady (mostly 2B; really did DH 3 games; 4-for-21, 1995 CHW)

IF Cesar Gutierrez (mostly SS .235, parts of 1967-71, started for '70 DET)
OF Brian Brady (1-for-2, double, 1989 Angels)
OF Spike Brady (1-for-4, triple, one game 1875 CHW)

RHSP Neal Brady (2-3, 1915, '17 NYY, '25 CIN)
RHSP King Brady (3-2, 1905-0y PIT, '08 BOS, '12 BSN)
RHSP Jack Cassel (1-1 with 2007 SDP)
RHSP Juan Gutierrez (1-1, 5.91 2007 HOU)
RHSP Rene Gutierrez Valdez (1-1, 1957 BRK)

RHRP Brady Raggio (2-3, 1 save, parts of 1997-2003)
RHRP Bill Brady (1 shutout IP for 1912 BSN)
LHRP Jim Brady (28.42 ERA in 6.1 IP with 1956 DET)

Brady's Bills (U.S. political joke, just forget it) ... So we don't manage quite a full roster, with three spots on the bench and two on the pitching staff vacant -- guess this team wouldn't have long to worry about protecting an "undefeated season ... But speaking of New England, did you notice that no less than five of the last-named Bradys on this roster actually played at least part of their careers in Boston, either as a Brave or with the Red Sox? ...

Pitching isn't exactly a strong suit for these guys -- you'd think the Bradys especially would be well-"armed" -- but the eight hurlers on the team combined for a career W-L mark of just 10-11 ... Again, not the stuff of which perfect seasons are made ... Lotsa cuppahoes on this team, too, as four players -- including two starters -- combined to amass 33 career at-bats (and just seven hits) ... Oh well, at least the two bench guys in that category both made their only big-leage hit (which came 114 years apart) one that went for extra bases ...

Okay, anyone, suggestions on how to fill out the roster appropriately? Call an audible at the line!