Return to Slaughtergarde

Saturday, October 03 2015 @ 02:05 PM EDT

Contributed by: Named For Hank

When we last left Slaugtergarde, the baseball fantasy league where all the statistics are fake, the league had a disastrous draft and then fell apart due to rampant, uncontested cheating. Friends, I agonized for a long time about how to modify the rules to reward ingenuity while preventing cheating, and I came up with a brilliant plan: this time, there will be no rules.

NFH, you ask, how will you enact this brilliant plan when we are only days away from the end of baseball season? Well, friends, thatís easy: I will beta-test my brilliant plan during hockey season.

Of course, hockey presents its own set of challenges for Slaughtergarde. Sure, hockey players have moustaches, but the statistical measures we used to determine the Moustache Quality of a baseball player do not apply to hockey. And so the entire scoring system of Slaughtergarde has been thrown out and replaced with something much worse.

  • First and third period goals count for you, but second period goals count against you.
  • Manners count, so we have a Politeness stat (2014 Most Polite Player: Mark Letestu; 2014 Least Polite Player: Jonathan Quick).
  • Assists, teamwork and defence are considered weaknesses in Slaughtergarde, so one of our statistics credits goals and shots while penalizing assists and passes, with a bonus multiplier for players with a negative plus-minus. Top three players for 2014 in this stat: James Van Riemsdyk, Phil Kessel and Tyler Bozak. Yes, I accidentally created a statistic that the 2014 Toronto Maple Leafs excelled at.
  • A player who can spend a lot of time on the ice without recording a shot, a hit or a face-off win is a special creature, and so we created the statistic called The Doodler to reward him.

    Yes yes, I hear you saying, but what was this brilliant plan about not having rules? Oh, right, my brilliant plan. I assure you, itís brilliant. A lot of fantasy sport revolves around your roster: managing how many players you have, who starts, who is on your bench, who you add and drop. Slaughtergarde will dispense with all of these things: there are no rules around roster construction. You want 29 goalies? Go ahead! You want to put a defenceman in as a centre? Feel free! You want 99 players on your roster? Knock yourself out. There is one limitation, but itís less of a rule and more of a missing feature: there is no bench. The danger of this, of course, is that two thirds of the NHL player pool are so good that they will score you negative points. I have considered a plan where I draft and play only Cory Schneider to see if he can defeat the whole league by himself.

    There are about six spots remaining, and our patented Scramble Draft (20% faster for 2015!) will happen on Tuesday night. Click here to join us.