If you don't have anything nice to say, write a baseball preview book!

Monday, March 24 2003 @ 11:02 AM EST

Contributed by: Dave Till

Every March, I look forward to the arrival of my favourite spring baseball annuals: Ron Shandler's Baseball Forecaster and the Baseball Prospectus. One of the reasons I prefer these annuals to the other stuff on the market is their nasty, or sometimes strange, sense of humour.

Here's a few of my favourites from this year (BF=Baseball Forecaster, BP=Baseball Prospectus):

Juan Castro (BF): No offensive value... but makes a wonderful decorative doorstop for the holidays!

Darren Lewis (BF): Don't you hate it when the roto news services say things like "Retired. Take him off your draft list?" It's like the instructions on shampoo bottles, "Apply to hair. Rinse." What did they think I was going to do, drink it?

Ramon Martinez (BF): Serviceable end game pick. Won't make or break your team. Won't require damage control. Won't require replacing. Won't make you sleep on the couch if you're out all night with the guys.

John McDonald (BF): Nearly all his trends have been heading south for awhile. If he hurries, he might beat them to Akron before nightfall.

Daryl Clark (BP): Ground balls and Daryl are seeking mutual restraining orders against each other.

Ken Huckaby (BP): All the production of Alberto Castillo at one-third the price!

Esteban Loaiza (BP): The $6 million paid to Loaiza in the final year of his contract would've been better spent on a government study on the health benefits of gerbilling.

Josh Bard (BP): I don't know about you, but I'm going to name my first kid "Josh" and teach him to be a backup catcher like Josh Paul and Josh Bard. Key drills will include smiling and "aw, shucks" interviews, playing baseball like it was meant to be played, calling a good game, being white, and hiring a good agent. I'll be retiring to Phoenix in about twenty years. So long, suckers!