Orioles 7, Blue Jays 5: Do Androids Dream of Kevin Costner?

Thursday, June 08 2006 @ 11:22 PM EDT

Contributed by: Named For Hank

In light of the recent allegations against Jason Grimsley involving human growth hormone, I'd like to use this game report to discuss cheating in baseball. I had not planned to write about this topic today, but Buck Martinez's comments during the rain delay on the radio broadcast of yesterday's game brought a very serious baseball issue to my attention:


Some of you are scratching your heads right now. You're saying "I was listening last night, and I heard Buck talk about all kinds of stuff, but not about androids." Well, you're right -- he didn't talk about androids.

Buck Martinez is an android.

He was speaking about HGH. I began to get suspicious -- wasn't he formerly a player rep? Why is he so hawkish about tracking down and punishing players? Then, in mid-sentence, Buck said "That's right Jer-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er---" The feed cut off, and Mike Wilner broke in and explained that they were having technical difficulties with the satellite feed. But we know that you were really having trouble with your android, Mike. Wilner seems like a good guy, and maybe he's not in on it. But if he believes that Buck Martinez is a flesh and blood human being, well, he probably also believes that men have walked on the surface of the moon.

So why was Buck speaking out so harshly about HGH? It's a smokescreen, people! He's trying to distract you from the genuine issue -- that dozens if not hundreds of Major League Baseball players are actually androids.

Once you accept it, so many things that never made sense in baseball before suddenly become crystal clear. Here's an example from Wednesday night: Melvin Mora made a terrible decision to run home from third, ending the ballgame. Well, its programmers had been negligent -- they neglected to update the Melvin Morabot's database to take Aaron Hill's ability to throw into account. Without new data added by the programmers (frequently referred to as "Sabrmatricians"), the Morabot reacted as if Russ Adams was at short, and his team paid the price.

And how about Buck Martinez's abrupt departure from Toronto? It was purely a budgetary move -- they couldn't afford to spend all that money on plutonium just for the manager.

Remember Giambi's apology for an unspecified transgression? You assumed it was steroids, didn't you? Nope. Android.

Johnny Damon is a contentious one -- many in the anti-android community insist that he cannot be an android because of his beard. Robots cannot grow beards, they argue. Smokescreen, people, smokescreen!

Unlike some, I don't believe that the managers and owners are complicit in this. No, I think they're pawns in this battle. i'm certain that the real goal here has nothing to do with winning baseball games, but instead with infiltration: first, they take over America's pastime, then they take over America. I am strongly in favour of strengthening our border and paying special attention to visiting baseball players who cross it. Unfortunately, I learned today that Dalton McGuinty is now the Minister of Public Safety, so I suggest that we all begin to stock up food and firearms in our underground shelters.

Some of you may fear for my safety because I have written this. I have my own concerns. And if I should die suddenly, can make one request?

Please, when you conduct my autopsy, check for traces of motor oil.