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In light of the recent allegations against Jason Grimsley involving human growth hormone, I'd like to use this game report to discuss cheating in baseball. I had not planned to write about this topic today, but Buck Martinez's comments during the rain delay on the radio broadcast of yesterday's game brought a very serious baseball issue to my attention:


Some of you are scratching your heads right now. You're saying "I was listening last night, and I heard Buck talk about all kinds of stuff, but not about androids." Well, you're right -- he didn't talk about androids.

Buck Martinez is an android.

He was speaking about HGH. I began to get suspicious -- wasn't he formerly a player rep? Why is he so hawkish about tracking down and punishing players? Then, in mid-sentence, Buck said "That's right Jer-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er-er---" The feed cut off, and Mike Wilner broke in and explained that they were having technical difficulties with the satellite feed. But we know that you were really having trouble with your android, Mike. Wilner seems like a good guy, and maybe he's not in on it. But if he believes that Buck Martinez is a flesh and blood human being, well, he probably also believes that men have walked on the surface of the moon.

So why was Buck speaking out so harshly about HGH? It's a smokescreen, people! He's trying to distract you from the genuine issue -- that dozens if not hundreds of Major League Baseball players are actually androids.

Once you accept it, so many things that never made sense in baseball before suddenly become crystal clear. Here's an example from Wednesday night: Melvin Mora made a terrible decision to run home from third, ending the ballgame. Well, its programmers had been negligent -- they neglected to update the Melvin Morabot's database to take Aaron Hill's ability to throw into account. Without new data added by the programmers (frequently referred to as "Sabrmatricians"), the Morabot reacted as if Russ Adams was at short, and his team paid the price.

And how about Buck Martinez's abrupt departure from Toronto? It was purely a budgetary move -- they couldn't afford to spend all that money on plutonium just for the manager.

Remember Giambi's apology for an unspecified transgression? You assumed it was steroids, didn't you? Nope. Android.

Johnny Damon is a contentious one -- many in the anti-android community insist that he cannot be an android because of his beard. Robots cannot grow beards, they argue. Smokescreen, people, smokescreen!

Unlike some, I don't believe that the managers and owners are complicit in this. No, I think they're pawns in this battle. i'm certain that the real goal here has nothing to do with winning baseball games, but instead with infiltration: first, they take over America's pastime, then they take over America. I am strongly in favour of strengthening our border and paying special attention to visiting baseball players who cross it. Unfortunately, I learned today that Dalton McGuinty is now the Minister of Public Safety, so I suggest that we all begin to stock up food and firearms in our underground shelters.

Some of you may fear for my safety because I have written this. I have my own concerns. And if I should die suddenly, can make one request?

Please, when you conduct my autopsy, check for traces of motor oil.
Orioles 7, Blue Jays 5: Do Androids Dream of Kevin Costner? | 34 comments | Create New Account
The following comments are owned by whomever posted them. This site is not responsible for what they say.
js_magloire - Thursday, June 08 2006 @ 11:40 PM EDT (#148568) #
I think this game report pretty much sums up tonight's game. In fact, I don't think that tonight's game really happened. Did it? No.
rtcaino - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 01:25 AM EDT (#148569) #

I really don't get why Doc was pulled from the game. Unless heaven forbid he was hurting! The bullpen has been taxed, and ineffective. Also, you have your ace at 90 pitches. At very least let him reach 100 pitches, or let him pitch until he lets a runner on base. Granted, Doc wasn't vintage Doc; But even Roy with his C game is better than most of our bullpen.

I was rather mystified, as was the rest of the LC gang. Does anybody agree with JGs handling of the pitching staff that game?

js_magloire - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 01:55 AM EDT (#148570) #
Mistake 1: pulling Doc after 90 pitches. We all knew that the Bullpen has been taxed as of late. So why did Gibbons pull him so early? Likewise, last night Jansen had 99 pitches, but could have gone out to start the next inning, maybe getting 1 or more outs in 10 pitches. 110 isn't bad for a 24 year old.

Mistake 2: Speier's ERA is 3.22 and he has 2 blown saves. But I wonder what his stranded inherited runners percentage is, because I know it's not good. With 1 out and 2 men on, he proceeded to cause 3 runs, yet the loss goes to Rosario. I also found it odd that, if you remember back to last week, Halladay vs. the Red Sox, Speier was pitching with 2 outs in the 8th inning and let up a 3 run homerun to Jason Varitek to tie the game. The next game, it was 8th inning with 2 outs again and the tying run at the plate, and Gibbons comes out to pull Speier to give BJ the 4 out save. Well, perhaps GIbbons does not have as good a memory, because lo and behold, Speier was pitching again with 2 outs in the bottom of the 8th when it was 5-5. Speier had already let up a single and a HBP. Ryan could come in here and get the 4 out save, with the middle of our order coming up...

Magpie - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 02:25 AM EDT (#148571) #
pulling Doc after 90 pitches

It's not, not, not simply the number of pitches a man throws, although that's usually the only thing people look at. It's how hard he had to work (Halladay was pitching out of the stretch all night long) and how long (hours, minutes, and seconds) the whole thing took. As any pitcher will tell you.
Magpie - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 02:53 AM EDT (#148574) #
I wonder what his [Speier's] stranded inherited runners percentage is, because I know it's not good.

Not good? You have a flair for understatement, my friend. Allow me to show  you just how bad and horrible it actually is (updated to include tonight's game).

Pitcher            Inherited Runners        Stranded   Scored             Efficiency
Rosario                       2                                  2              0                    1.000
Ryan                          19                                18             1                       .947
Tallett                         7                                  6             1                       .857
Schoeneweis            15                                12             3                       .800
Downs                      14                                11             3                       .786
Frasor                       17                                10             7                       .588
Walker                        4                                  2             2                       .500
Speier                       19                                  9           10                       .474

So, yes, Jay Spy is just about the last goddam pitcher on earth I'd want to see in a close game with men on base.

Rob - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 07:32 AM EDT (#148577) #
I love the Morabot picture. That explains so many things.

He has quintuplets. Well, they needed to do something with the old parts when they brought in the new Morabot 2.0 package, which of course coincided with his out-of-nowhere seasons of 2003 and 2004.
TheyCallMeMorty - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 08:50 AM EDT (#148578) #
Those are some interesting numbers Magpie.  Does anyone know what the league average is?  
Jordan - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 09:30 AM EDT (#148581) #

I was surprised to see Speier, who's clearly slumping, in a close game in the 8th inning. I doubt we'll see him there again for a while.

By dropping the first of this four-game set in Baltimore on Monday, the Jays put to rest any worry about whether they could blow another chance at a series sweep. But last night's loss solifided another, weirder trend: the Blue Jays are terrible in the last game of a series.

Final game of series: 6-14

All other games: 27-12

You can look it up. I can't think of any rational explanation for this -- it seems to be just an odd coincidence. But it might say something about this team's ability to, as Gregg Zaun so delicately put it, "step on the necks" of its opponents.

Magpie - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 09:52 AM EDT (#148582) #
And as for those androids, let me just say this:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Ryan Day - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 09:53 AM EDT (#148583) #
  Looks like someone else is excited about the long-awaited Bladerunner special edition. (or perhaps NFH is always worried about androids)
Chuck - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 09:56 AM EDT (#148584) #
And as for those androids, let me just say this:

No doubt pointing to his son, whose android-like acting serves him well as Captain America.
loquax - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 10:37 AM EDT (#148587) #
OT: Sheffield out until September.

Guess his servo-motors were damaged worse than originally thought by Shea-bot.

js_magloire - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 10:53 AM EDT (#148589) #
Just wondering. When Xavier Nady gets back next week, and the Mets cut Kazui he worth picking up? Matsui isn't as good defensively as Alfonzo, but his sizzling .200 batting average is almost double Alfonzo's this year. Or maybe I'll answer my own question - the difference is too small to be worth it. And what happened to the Rockie's Jason Smith?
Dave Till - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 11:14 AM EDT (#148590) #
Magpie's inherited runners/runners scored information is extremely useful. But I'm wondering: in what category does it put runners that are neither stranded nor inherited?

Case in point: suppose that Reliever X comes into the game with a runner on first, and gives up a base hit, putting runners on first and second. Gibbons then takes him out and brings in Reliever Y. Does the original runner on first count as a stranded runner for Reliever X? Does it depend on what Reliever Y does?

I find it difficult to believe that Scott Downs is better at stranding runners than most of the bullpen. I seem to recall that he has a lot of situations that resemble those of Reliever X, described above.

As for androids in baseball: I just got a wonderful book entitled "How To Survive a Robot Uprising" (by Daniel H. Wilson). Chapter titles include "How to Escape a Robot Swarm" (handy when an on-field brawl erupts), "How To Spot a Robot Mimicking a Human", "How To Deactivate a Rebel Servant Robot", and "How To Establish a Hidden Base in Robot Territory". I contend that this is essential reading for anyone in regular contact with baseball players.

#2JBrumfield - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 11:32 AM EDT (#148591) #

NFH, that was hilarious!  That nicely explains what happened during the pre-game.  I needed a good laugh after listening to that debacle on the radio last night.

I had a bad feeling after they left the bases loaded in the 6th, despite scoring 3 runs.  They get 13 hits and not one of them was for extra bases.  They needed an extra base hit in the 6th to put the game away.  Of course, Glaus botching that pop up in the next half inning helped grease the skids as well and added more stress on Doc.   I feel sorry for Gibbons.  What is he supposed to do when the starters can't go 7 or 8 innings?  The bullpen needs a day off but unfortunately, they won't get one until June 19th.  After they get a win on a Taubenheim start in the series, who expected they would lose when Doc is on the mound?  Baseball is a funny game.  

Named For Hank - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 11:44 AM EDT (#148592) #
Ryan, I'll be excited about the Blade Runner set when it finally surfaces.  The '92 "Director's Cut" (which wasn't a director's cut at all) was a debacle, but I don't know how Ridley's "Final Cut" will be any better.

In the meantime, I've been happily living with my Criterion laserdisc of the European theatrical release that I bought wayyyyy back in 1991.

Magpie - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 11:49 AM EDT (#148593) #
I seem to recall that he has a lot of situations that resemble those of Reliever X, described above.

Absolutely. It's the life of a LOOGY. Last night it was Schoeneweis inheriting two runners who were still on base after he recorded an out and left the game. He didn't strand them, in the sense that he got out of the inning without them scoring.

But they also didn't cross the plate on his watch, which does beat hell out of the other possibility..

Paul D - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 11:55 AM EDT (#148594) #
<i> Daniel H. Wilson</i>

Isn't he the REAL ULTIMATE POWER guy?
Mike Green - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 03:37 PM EDT (#148604) #
Speier's record over the last 3 years is pretty clear- 157.3 innings, 21 homers, 52 walks and 126 strikeouts.  Right now, he's struggling and he would be best off in a less stressful role.  If he is going to be used in key situations down the road a bit, it's best if he comes on without runners on base  to reduce the pressure on him arising from his vulnerability to the home run.
NDG - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 04:36 PM EDT (#148605) #
I was surprised Gibbons removed Rosario to be honest.  Rosario had a great seventh, gave up the double to Hernandez (which I admit I missed, slow on the clicker), then really, got unlucky with Millar.  Rosario was 2-2 to Millar when a foul/broken bat hit the ump resulting in a 5 minutish delay, and then after that the first pitch was way high running the count to 3-2 (this is what I consider unlucky, based on how Rosario was throwing, that first pitch after the delay seemed to be very much out of rythym).  At 3-2 Rosario made three straight good pitches to Millar, that Millar managed to foul off (good hitting).  The fourth ball wasn't a terrible pitch, definately a ball, but not like Speier's walk.

In any event Rosario had real good stuff (up to 97 with movement), and seemed to be locating his pitches real well.  With Gibbons knowing how the rest of the bullpen had been pitching (and constantly mentioning that they may be 'overworked'), this seemed to be the time to let the young un keep going.

dan gordon - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 11:18 PM EDT (#148620) #
Chacin and Walker have been placed on the DL.  Chulk and Tallet have been called up.  Mentioned by J.P. on The Fan after tonight's game.
smcs - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 11:34 PM EDT (#148621) #
Does this mean that Downs is moved into the rotation until AJ comes back?
Matthew E - Friday, June 09 2006 @ 11:39 PM EDT (#148622) #
Ricciardi said they wouldn't use Downs as a starter. I guess what they'll do is use Tallet and Chulk to give the bullpen a break until the next time Chacin's turn comes up, and then make another roster move to ship out a tired reliever and bring in a starter.
AWeb - Saturday, June 10 2006 @ 12:01 AM EDT (#148624) #
Let the speculation begin though...who will the next new starter be? Towers comes back (1 walk in 22 IP in AAA) is my guess, as a lot of AAA guys have been called upon already.  I know that's not a great reason to go with Towers, but who's left at this point that they'd call up?  Plus Towers, if he pitches well (big IF this year), can give you most of a game.

On an aside, does anyone know the Jays record for pitchers used in a season? They're at 18 so far, and while that's likely a long way off the record, it is only June so far. They must be on a record call-up/demotion pace with the Syracuse shuttle running like it has.
#2JBrumfield - Saturday, June 10 2006 @ 02:18 AM EDT (#148634) #
I wonder if the Jays might call up Josh Banks for a spot start on Wednesday thanks to Gus being on the DL.  Banks did pitch last night in Syracuse and he would be on the normal 4 days rest.  He went 6 innings for the win, bouncing back from a 4 run first as the SkyChiefs rallied to beat Columbus 5-4.   Any win over the Yankees or anyone affiliated with them is always sweet. 
Gerry - Saturday, June 10 2006 @ 09:23 AM EDT (#148639) #
The Jays need one spot start then have an off day on the 19th with AJ Burnett due back on the 22nd.  My guess is that Rosario will get the start Wednesday, he was starting in Syracuse before he was called up.
John Northey - Saturday, June 10 2006 @ 10:30 AM EDT (#148641) #
Checking the old Lahman database ( for those who don't have it) I get the following...

25 pitchers - 2004
24 - 2002
22 - 1999/2000/2003
20 - 91/95/96/97/98/01
19 - 79/89/90
18 - 2005, 2006 (so far)
17 - 92/94
16 - 80/88/93
15 - 77/85/87
14 - 78/81/83
13 - 82/84

So, since the strike the Jays have used at least 18 pitchers each year, over 20 5 times.
Pre-Strike the Jays used 18 or more just 4 times, never more than 20.

Wow.  Didn't know the 1994 strike was about getting more pitchers more chances in the bigs :)

Cutting out guys who threw less than 20 innings (ie: didn't really get much of a shot) the range is 19 in 2004 to 10 in 1981 or 11 in 78/83/84 if you don't count strike years.  Interesting is that last year just 14 guys did this for the Jays, and 13 in 2003.  Seems to me JP likes to give guys a quick shot then says 'screw it' and calls up someone else.

FYI: the all time record is 37 (!) for San Diego in 2002.  The pre-strike of 94 record is 27 (1915 A's, 1955 A's, and 1967 Mets).
Mike Green - Sunday, June 11 2006 @ 09:30 PM EDT (#148702) #
That Paris Hilton is an android seems like simple arithmetic to those who study them.  Looks like one + named after a hotel = a clear yes.  But, this is new- Paris Hilton infiltrating the airwaves with "robo-reggae".  Is nothing sacrosanct? 

All I know is that when Tommy Lasorda says that he bleeds Dodger blue, it worries me now.  And I don't like that he's baseball's spokesperson for prostate cancer research.  Go pack to pasta sauce, Tommy, and your blood will turn back to red before it's too late!

Orioles 7, Blue Jays 5: Do Androids Dream of Kevin Costner? | 34 comments | Create New Account
The following comments are owned by whomever posted them. This site is not responsible for what they say.