Oh My God! They Killed South Park!

Saturday, January 05 2008 @ 10:25 PM EST

Contributed by: Mick Doherty

We've "honored" a number of legendary television series here on Da Box with cast-and-character Hall of Names teams for, among others, Star Trek, M*A*S*H, Happy Days, Gilligan's Island, The Simpsons, Stargate and even Sesame Street. So let's launch the first Hall of Names volley of 2008 with an homage to the greatest prime-time cartoon ever developed, South Park.

You may hate it, you may love it -- I have done both in its (yikes) decade on the air, but you must admit that any show that can succeed by killing off a major character (and the same one, no less!) every week for several years is at least inventive. So here we invent a team, that in deference to the show's "location" and the nickname of the elementary school's sports teams, we can only call ...

** indicates Hall of Famer
* indicates All-Star

(corresponding South Park character's name shown paranthetically)

CO-MGR: Salty Parker (Trey Parker; 5-7, '67 NYM, '72 HOU)
CO-MGR: John Mizerock (Matt Stone; 5-8, 2002 KCR)

C Biz Mackey** (Mr. Mackey; Negro league Hall of Famer)
1B Wally Pipp (Pip; .281, 90 homers, 148 triples, 1913-28)
2B Grady Hatton* (Mr. Hat; .254, mostly 3B, 1946-56, '60)
SS Bret Barberie (Officer Barbrady; .271, 1991-96)
3B Eric Chavez (Eric Cartman; 227 homers, 6 Gold Gloves through '07)
LF Gary Sheffield* (Chef; 480 homers through 2007)
CF Jesus Alou (Jesus Christ; .280, 1963-79)
RF Hank Aaron** (Mr. Hankey; 755 career homers, 21 All-Star seasons)
DH Lee Stevens (Bebe Stevens; .254, 144 homers, 1990-2002)

C Terrance "Terry" Kennedy* (Terrance; .264, 113 homers, 1978-91)
IF Fred Marsh (Stan Marsh; .239, 1949-56)
OF Ike Boone (Ike Broflovski; .321, parts of 1922-32)
OF Austin Kearns (Jimbo Kearn; .265, 95 homers though 2007)
OF Estel Crabtree (Ms. Crabtree; .281, 1929-33, '41-44)
UTIL Phillip "Phil" Nevin* (Phillip; .270, 208 homers, 1995-2006)

RHSP Ned Garver* (Ned Gerblanski; 129-157, 1948-61)
LHSP Mike McCormick* (Kenny McCormick; 134-128, 1967 NL CYA)
RHSP Kyle Lohse (Kyle Broflovski; 63-74 through 2007)

CL-RH Lindy McDaniel* (Mayor McDaniels; 141-119, 172 saves, 1955-75)
RHRP Turk Wendell (Wendy Testaburger; 36-33, 33 saves, 1993-2004)
LHRP Dennis Cook (Chef; 64-46, 9 saves, 9 teams, 1988-2002)
RHRP Tim Crabtree (Ms. Crabtree; 21-22, 9 saves, 1995-2001)
RHRP Scott Service (Mr. Slave; 20-22, 16 saves, 1988-2004)

NOTES ... Of those listed above, the only ones who don't share a name with an actual character are our co-managers, who are on board thanks to South Park co-creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone -- and yes, we really had to reach for the latter since there has never been a manager named "Stone" in MLB -- but "Stone" and "Mizerock" -- get it? ...Similarly, there has never been a player named "Chef," though one Tyler Cheff did play in the Indians' system briefly in the mid-1990's -- so for a South Park Chef, do we go with Dennis Cook or Gary Sheffield? Well, the latter does go by the homonym nickname "Sheff" and oh by the way, is closing in on 500 career homers, so he gets the nod ...

Never been a "Cartman" in the big leagues, but plenty of Eric options, even some Eric C. talent like Chavez, who believe it or not has still not yet made an All-Star team ... No real surprise that there's never been a Broflovski in the bigs, but the only players named "Kyle" to make an All-Star team were the middle-named sparkplug OF Len Kyle Dykstra and the last-named (alternate spelling) SP Darryl Kile, so we'll go with middling SP Kyle Lohse for the rotation ...

Profoundest Apologies to Hank Aaron, who gets on the team thanks to the presence of Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo ... And it would makes me feel like poo to stretch to include Babe Ruth on the roster, but we do happen to know that young Bebe's last name is Stevens, so we do have eight more legitimate choices for the roster from her moniker, including that of 1B/DH Lee, a bit of a slugger briefly in the 1990s ...

Quite a few players have borne the nickname "Ike," but as a tie-breaker of sorts, we'll only consider those who actually had the first name Isaac, which is apparently young Ike Broflovski's full name ... That leaves us with OF Ike Boone, who hit .330+ in each of his only two full MLB seasons, but didn't do much in parts of six other campaigns -- anyone know that story? ... Incidentally, he's no relation to Ray "Ike" Boone, the sire of the (so far) three-generational MLB Boone dynasty ...

You'd think that "Kenny" would net us a Boyer, Griffey or Lofton-type of player, but the lad's last/family name (McCorkmick) actually leaves us with a decision between an All-Star 1B (Frank) and a former Cy-Young-winning lefty (Mike) ... Nice problem to have! But we do have a Pipp of a first baseman available, so let's tab the lefty for our rotation ... While Jesus (the holy one) has been a regular character on South Park, nobody with the given first name Jesus (normally pronounced hay-zoos) has yet made a MLB All-Star team, so we'll go with the only memeber of the Fighting Alou Brothers who never did, ... For that matter, the fourth Alou, nephew Moises, also received All-Star honors. Jesus!!, what's going on there? ...

There actually is a Wendy, one Wendy Rosa, who debuted as a RHRP with the Mets' GCL club in 2007, but he's bumped from the Wendy Testaburger spot by another RHRP, Turk Wendell, who has 11 years in the big leagues on young Rosa ... We don't have any exact name matches on the squad, though we do get close (sort of) with Stan's dad Randy Marsh and LHS/RP Randy Marshall, a serviceable AA/AAA guy for the Mets in the 1990s ... Is "Scott Service" for "Mr. Slave" too much of a stretch? ... We went with Grady Hatton over Harry "The Hat" Walker for our Mr. Hat entry; both were All-Stars, though Walker probably had the better career, even winning the 1947 NL batting title ... Hatton was primarily a career 3B, though he made his sole All-Star appearance during a year he played exclusively at 2B ...

Sure, sure, Ned Garver is a reach for Ned Gerblanski, but at least they share both a first name and last initial ... There has apparently never been a MLB player named "Timmy," and certainly never one named "Token" ... The original plan was to not use Terrance and Phillip, who are cartoon characters on a TV show in the world of South Park, which is itself a cartoon TV show, but we looked up and found ourselves lacking a backup catcher -- and wouldn't you know, both Terrance and Phillip led us to solid All-Star guys for our bench, and both are guys who can catch ...

Among those not making the final cut-down were OF Tom Marsh (Shelly Marsh or either of Stan's parents; .246, 1992, '94-95 PHI) and OF Ford "Rocky" Garrison (Mr.-then-Mrs. Garrison; .262, 1943-46 as a WWII guy) ... Though we do have a front three for our rotation that has racked up 326 wins so far (and, um, 359 losses!) we do find ourselves a couple of starting pitchers -- preferably one righty and one lefty -- short of a full roster. So, Bauxites ... whatchagot?