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Just for fun, I decided to create a generic "interview with an ex-Jay" article. It's inspired by Al Jaffee's old "Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions", which used to appear in MAD magazine back when I was a kid (which, let's face it, was a heck of a long time ago). Enjoy!

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This is not intended as a slap at, or a statement about, Toronto baseball writers, or anything else. This is just a fun little diversion. (Now put that down before somebody gets hurt.)

The off-season is always a time of transition in baseball. For some players, changing addresses is an annual ritual, as they scramble to hook on somewhere. But for others, who have spent many years with a single organization, the upcoming campaign marks a new beginning. One such player is Player X, who now calls Team Y his home after Z years with the Blue Jays.

When we reached Player X at (1), he claimed that he was (2) to be part of his new team. "I've really (3) my years with Toronto," he said. "The fans there are (4), and the city is (5). But the first thing I noticed about my new team is that they are much more (6) than the Jays were. My teammates are (7), the fans are (8), and the front office is (9). I'm looking forward to (10)."

When asked whether he harbors any resentment towards J.P. Ricciardi and the Blue Jays for (11), Player X responded, (12) And does he have any final words for his fans in Toronto? "Sure," said Player X. (13)

I don't think I could have put it any better than that myself.

(1)
his palatial ranch house in Coral Gables, Fla.
his simple split-level home in Des Moines, Iowa
his remote castle in distant, forbidding Transylvania
an undisclosed secret location, accessible only by helicopter
Moldy Pete's Bar and Grill just off I-85 (turn right at the car wash; you can't miss it)
jail cell 4-E in Sing Sing Prison

(2)
thrilled
not emotionally ready
heartsick
surprisingly delighted, but with a frisson of despair,
unaware that he was
told by his ex-wife's divorce lawyer

(3)
enjoyed
endured
tried to blot out
been deeply touched by
suffered untold agonies during
been asked by my therapist to forget

(4)
great
whacked out of their skulls
obsessed by the Maple Leafs
constantly talking to their financial advisers via cellphone
unable to find their butts with both hands and a flashlight
nonexistent

(5)
beautiful
ugly, but functional
basically Cleveland, but with more traffic problems
as boring as watching paint dry
full of freakin' Canadians
now accessible from Rochester N.Y. via a modern, high-speed ferry

(6)
focused
splendiferous
functionally illiterate
concerned about stock market fluctuations
willing to accept alternative lifestyles
moribund

(7)
a great bunch of guys
dynamic, team-oriented individuals
able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
unaware of the concept of regular showering
constantly asking me to 'pull their finger'
making exciting discoveries in the field of game theory

(8)
knowledgeable
confused
belligerent
inbred
seething over imaginary slights
in the grip of existential anomie

(9)
prepared to spend what it takes to win
obsessed with personal grooming habits
busy trying to corner the wireless market
ten pounds of doo-doo in a five-pound bag
under indictment for violating the Trading With The Enemy Act
haunted by the lost Lenore

(10)
winning the World Series
not being out of contention by Simcoe Day
playing before actual paying fans
the smell of real grass
taking the money and running
death

(11)
sending him to a winning team
tossing him onto the scrap heap
not meeting his outlandish contract demands
pretending he never existed
trading him to Oakland, just like everybody else
not letting him join in the reindeer games

(12)
"Being traded is part of baseball."
"Are you kidding me? The only way I was going to see a World Series in Toronto was if I got on a plane and bought a ticket."
"I'm still devastated, but I'm slowly, painfully, beginning to pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams."
"I want to crush them, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentations of their women."
"Oh, that's who that guy was."
"I have been politely requested by the government of Ruritania to keep this matter top-secret for the time being."

(13)
"Don't give up things will get better soon."
"Prepare to see your pathetic nine squashed like bugs by our awesome man-strength."
"Be sure to visit Alice Fazooli's."
"The future is in plastics."
"Gabba gabba hey gabba hey gabba hey."
"Objects in mirror are closer than they appear."





Generic offseason article: an interview with an ex-Jay | 4 comments | Create New Account
The following comments are owned by whomever posted them. This site is not responsible for what they say.
_The Original Ry - Thursday, November 25 2004 @ 06:37 PM EST (#12614) #
Great work, Dave.
_Jonny German - Thursday, November 25 2004 @ 08:18 PM EST (#12615) #
Very amusing. How about Spy vs. Spy next?
_Rob - Thursday, November 25 2004 @ 11:36 PM EST (#12616) #
How can a MAD rip-off not include a Dave Berg reference? :)

Just kidding, of course. Good stuff, Dave.

And while I'm here...back when you posted the link to the Blue Jays Memory Project, I checked out the rest of your writing, and it was quite good -- especially Dave's Interesting Stolen Car Adventure. Simply put, I found that story pretty damn funny.
Gerry - Friday, November 26 2004 @ 08:39 AM EST (#12617) #
Very funny Dave
Generic offseason article: an interview with an ex-Jay | 4 comments | Create New Account
The following comments are owned by whomever posted them. This site is not responsible for what they say.