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When does the future begin for the young Diamondbacks? Maybe it will be 2007.
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Due in part to our claim to be an Interactive Magazine, and due in larger part to the fact that I tend to present gimmicky material in order to mask my middling writing talents, most of today’s preview is in Mad Dodger Libs format.

First, I have to make some preliminary remarks about the Dodgers off-season transactions in more traditional prose, and then you can join me for a nostalgic game of Mad Dodger Libs in the player capsules.
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This following preview is dedicated to the city and people of San Francisco, who may not know it, but they are beautiful, and so is their city. This is a very personal preview, so if the reader cannot understand it, particularly those of you who are Canadian residents, save up all your bread and fly Trans-Love Airways to San Francisco, U.S.A. Then maybe you'll understand the preview. It will be worth it. If not for the sake of this preview, but for the sake of your own peace of mind.
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At this time last year, I warned you all, in somewhat apocalyptic terms, that the 2005 Diamondbacks were going to be a truly wretched and awful team.

And indeed they were. Second place? Yeah, yeah. Don't be fooled. Like a dead skunk in the middle of the road, they stunk to high heaven.

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The Padres had a moderately busy offseason, as they made one good trade, one bad trade and a couple of inconsequential trades. There were some other moves, with minor-league signings forming the bulk of these. However, for better or for worse, the Padres are primarily the same team that won the 2005 NL West. The question is whether or not this is enough to stand up to the improved L.A. Dodgers and a Giants team with a possibly-healthy Barry Bonds.
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Colorado may not be the worst team in the National League, but they may be the dullest. Florida’s incendiary brand of roster management at least has a macabre entertainment value. In contrast, the Rockies lethargically trudge toward utter pointlessness.

This team is bad. So, instead of prattling on about whether Cory Sullivan can “take it to the next level,” I’d like to discuss what Colorado can do, if anything, to win in the future. If that doesn’t entice you to click the “[More]” link below, I also have a picture of two adorable cats.

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The Los Angeles Film Festival

*Warning: the following preview was conceived of while the author was watching the Oscars on Sunday. This is most dangerous, as he has an unhealthy obsession with metaphor and often takes it much, much too far.

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There is no simpler team in the majors to write a preview of than the San Francisco Giants. If Barry Bonds is healthy, the Giants will compete for the NL West crown. If he is not healthy, they will be under .500, positing to their fans the merits of attending a game in the 59-degree, foggy, windy evenings in the China Basin as opposed to attending a game in the 59-degree, foggy, windy evenings at Candlestick Point.

Well, that was easy! You may now enjoy the rest of the day, exonerated from my pith.

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We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen! The 2005 San Diego Padres! And if they win one just one game this weekend from the reeling Dodgers, they will not be taking a losing record into the post-season.

Which is an enormous relief to everyone, I'm sure.

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I should have known right then it was too good to last
God, it's such a drag when you're livin' in the past

Baby, even the losers get lucky sometimes
Even the losers keep a little bit of pride
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The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest
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Well, it wasn't supposed to go down that way.
But they burned his brother, you know,
And they left him lying in the driveway.
They let him down with nothin'.
He tried to do his best but he could not.
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Can't anybody here play this game?
-- Casey Stengel

Evidently not.

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And if California slides into the ocean
Like the mystics and statistics say it will
I predict this motel will be standing
Until I pay my bill
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Was it what you had hoped for?
Was it what you'd expect?
It's all over but the shouting
in my head
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