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Yes, it's time to put on your G-rated thinking caps, Bauxites, and compete for the coveted Batter's Box No-Prize. You know how there are certain ballplayers, when you say their names under your breath, you feel a little bit like you're swearing?

Let's see if we can't come up with a full roster, along the lines of "25 Names You Shouldn't Say if Your Non-Baseball-Loving Nana is Around." As you might imagine, there are a few rules, not to mention some starter examples ...



... like these. Go ahead, mutter them to yourselves and see if the last name doesn't come off as a bit of a swear word:
  • C/SS/OF Tony Suck (1883-84, three teams)
  • OF/1B Andy Kosco (1965-74, seven teams)
  • 2B/OF Jack Damaska (1963 STL)
  • OF/SS/3B Nick Scharf (1882-83 BAL)
  • LHSP John Koronka (active TEX)
  • RHRP Scott Dohmann (active COL)
  • RHS-RP John Dagenhard (1943 BOS)
As for the rules ... First and foremost, any name that approximates a "real" swear word, one that pretty much you wouldn't say in the church parking lot, is eliminated. Hmm, we may have to re-think Mr. Damaska's place on the roster, but he only played like five major league games as it was.

So, among those not qualifying -- and there will be no explanations offered, work it out yourownselves -- are fine players like Joe Adcock (not to mention the 19 men named Cox), Rick Helling, Bill Dickey and Dante Bichette, but also a whole host of hangers-on like Charlie Fuchs, Paul Assenmacher and Rusty Kuntz ... as you can see, possible (if not actual) pronunciation matters a lot more than "proper" spelling. Keep it clean, kidlings!

Actually, Sean Forman at the impossibly useful Baseball-Reference.com has apparently anticipated this sort of search, so if you use that as a resource, be careful what you put into the site search box or you'll get this page (and deservedly so!) ... However, if you really want to get into it, the fictional expletives page compiled over at Wikipedia might give you some ideas.

Foreign swear words are okay, as long as you identify them for the rest of us in a way that doesn't break the no-real-swear-words rule. So for instance, though there has never been a ballplayer named "Bollux," we might as well nod to 1993 MON and 1998 ANA cornerman Frank Bolick. Close enough to bear nomination, anyway.

Of course, a name that sounds like an expletive to one ear might not to another, so please feel free to use these fictionally nominal expletives in a sentence to demonsrate proper usage. Please note that just hating a player does not make his name an expletive; for instance, should a Red Sox fan wander into Da Box, "Bucky Dent" -- even, or given the rules above, especially with the common "middle name" bestowed, is not actually an expletive in any sane manner. However, if you provide a full sentence such as "You know, that's a mean-looking Pagliarulo you got there, Sammy" might get some Yankee lore onto the fake swear-word name carousel.

So, Bauxites, what da Guy Hecker have you got for this challenge?

Bauxite Challenge: Sanitized Swear Words | 25 comments | Create New Account
The following comments are owned by whomever posted them. This site is not responsible for what they say.
John Northey - Sunday, April 23 2006 @ 11:28 PM EDT (#145682) #
Not an all-star in baseball skills, but Boob Fowler (1923-1926 Cin/Bos SS/2B/3B 326/348/406 over 175 AB's) has a perfect name for this imo.
Mike Green - Monday, April 24 2006 @ 09:24 AM EDT (#145687) #
Heinie Zimmermann.
VBF - Monday, April 24 2006 @ 10:34 AM EDT (#145692) #
Woody Williams.
Mike Green - Monday, April 24 2006 @ 10:53 AM EDT (#145693) #
With Travis Hafner's nickname being Pronk and "prong" being apparently a fictional expletive, that might work.  I actually like the sound of "Now he's really Travis Hafnered", when something goes really wrong. Brings back memories of "I've been Robert McNamara'd"...
hugh - Monday, April 24 2006 @ 11:30 AM EDT (#145694) #
My fiancee giggles every time she hears the name Albert Pujols, so that should be on the list!
jjdynomite - Monday, April 24 2006 @ 11:51 AM EDT (#145695) #

As Brett Butler said to Greg O'Halloran, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Dam...aso Garcia".

For those who are wondering who the heck Greg O'Halloran is, he is a Toronto native who the Jays drafted in the 32nd round of the 1988 draft and had 11 marvelous at bats for the Marlins in '94.  On a side note, the Marlins existed in '94?!  I'm getting old...

Matthew E - Monday, April 24 2006 @ 06:06 PM EDT (#145731) #
How could I be the first to mention J.J. Putz?!

And, covering the team, we have sportswriter Peter Schmuck (a double threat!).

Dave Till - Monday, April 24 2006 @ 07:21 PM EDT (#145741) #
Milt Wilcox.
CeeBee - Monday, April 24 2006 @ 09:45 PM EDT (#145748) #
Frank Baumholtz 47-57 OF with the Reds, Cubs and Phillies.
Geoff - Tuesday, April 25 2006 @ 01:45 AM EDT (#145762) #
I'm confused. The suggestions above clearly violate the rules set forth by Mick. Yet I have a hard time understanding Mick's rules. He asks for words that sound like cussing, but are most definitely not any recognized form of cussing.

What is going on here?

Mick Doherty - Tuesday, April 25 2006 @ 10:19 AM EDT (#145768) #

You're right, Geoff. There are a couple of instances of classic Web "skim and dive" posts where Bauxites have suggested players like Fuchs and Kuntz who were both listed in the article as examples of players who wouldn't qualify.

I was afraid this HON might not go as planned, and indeed, it has not, as while candidates like Figgins, Wilfong and Baumholtz fit the (apparently unclear) parameters, guys like Dickshot simply ignore the (again apparently unclear) rule and many others listed are at best borderline. Ah well, the list is at least mildly entertaining!

Mike Green - Tuesday, April 25 2006 @ 10:34 AM EDT (#145770) #

Randy Johnson.

Mike Green - Tuesday, April 25 2006 @ 10:35 AM EDT (#145771) #
Lance Painter, I suppose, too.
Geoff - Tuesday, April 25 2006 @ 10:50 AM EDT (#145775) #
Oh, Cobb! Now that I've got that cleared up, I'll be comfortable suggesting Louis Skizas (The Nervous Greek) and Jorge Posada.

Can we take Bob Uecker or Ugueth Urbina? They lend themselves to shouting in anger, that you just couldn't do to a name like Roy Halladay. Yet I have been yelling A.J. Burnett in anger a few times this season.





Mike Green - Tuesday, April 25 2006 @ 12:10 PM EDT (#145789) #
Kent Hrbek has that kind of sound.
Mick Doherty - Wednesday, August 11 2010 @ 09:51 AM EDT (#220460) #

Yesterday the Phillies called up P Antonio Bastardo.

That is all!

Bauxite Challenge: Sanitized Swear Words | 25 comments | Create New Account
The following comments are owned by whomever posted them. This site is not responsible for what they say.