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Yesterday I received a package from an anonymous tipster familiar with the Darren Oliver situation. In it were copies of a large number of faxes purportedly from Jeff Frye to Blue Jays brass. I was stunned -- I mean, who faxes stuff in 2013? I was also surprised at how many of the alternate compensation packages didn't make it into the press.

In no particular order, here are some of the unpublished compensation suggestions put forward by Jeff Frye on behalf of Darren Oliver:

- Going forward, Darren Oliver will be coin operated
- 8th inning 500 level collection plate
- Box office cash goes in a wind booth post game, Oliver can keep as much as he can grab in 30 seconds
- finger sandwiches, no crusts
- SUPERMARKET SWEEP in a Rogers Plus location
- Selling chocolate covered almonds in the bullpen to benefit underpaid relievers
- A $500 bonus for his client to wake up, and a further bonus for reporting to work
- Additional "insurance" against "accidents"
- Unlimited breadsticks, plus pre- and post-game salad bar access in the press box
- Two front row tickets to War Horse every night that the team plays at home
The Unpublished Compensation Packages of Darren Oliver, by Jeff Frye | 12 comments | Create New Account
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jjdynomite - Saturday, January 19 2013 @ 07:41 AM EST (#268098) #
Nice, NFH. I found one more, with apologies to the Toronto Raptors' sordid history:

- Private tutoring for Oliver and his family in the metric system, so they can understand the dashboard whilst being chauffeured from condo/hotel to Rogers Centre.
Dave Till - Saturday, January 19 2013 @ 01:11 PM EST (#268107) #
I'm surprised he didn't try crowd sourcing. Yes, fans - buy a share of Darren Oliver today! Help your team to the postseason by investing in a late-inning lefthander! Just $5000 buys one key eighth-inning out against a left-handed hitter on a tough divisional rival!
katman - Saturday, January 19 2013 @ 02:01 PM EST (#268112) #
You probably would have had takers for those innings...
Craig B - Sunday, January 20 2013 @ 05:09 PM EST (#268151) #
Client to receive a $2 million bonus every time his agent hits for the cycle.
Geoff - Sunday, January 20 2013 @ 08:47 PM EST (#268152) #
Client demands five million text messages/month on his plan, along with evenings that begin at 4pm.

Client demands a player services contract upon his retirement that will also make him the voice of the Blue Jays on radio broadcasts.

All employees of the Rogers corporation will refer to the client as "sir" or "his majesty's left hand".

All proceeds of merchandising of Sir Darren Oliver figurines, t-shirts, jewelry and various other sports memorabilia shall be divided in half between Sir Oliver and Jeff Frye.

This contract is to exist ad infinitum, until otherwise expressed by Jeff Frye. Jeff Frye and only Jeff Frye may modify the terms of this agreement. All future requests made by Jeff Frye are heretofore binding on the Toronto Blue Jays Baseball Club and its parent, Rogers Communications, Inc.
Named For Hank - Monday, January 21 2013 @ 08:27 AM EST (#268157) #
Geoff, unlimited text messaging is in his real contract.
Mike Green - Monday, January 21 2013 @ 10:04 AM EST (#268161) #
But does Rogers pay him a buck for every call he makes to Texas?  Taking the "my five" further!
Geoff - Monday, January 21 2013 @ 05:31 PM EST (#268179) #
That shouldn't stop him from trying to renegotiate his contract.

This is an old man who has only so much time left to enjoy playing baseball on this stage. If he wants five million messages, and it is within Rogers' power and means to provide it, he should be able to ask for it. Nay, demand it!

Perhaps only people who have hit for the cycle will understand this. It's not about what you deserve; it's about what you want. And Sir Oliver wants what he should deserve.
Named For Hank - Tuesday, January 22 2013 @ 01:50 PM EST (#268202) #
It's official: his name is Sir Oliver. Lets photoshop him up a magnificent crown.
hypobole - Tuesday, January 22 2013 @ 02:13 PM EST (#268206) #
Let's go back to the end of this past season. The Jays were woeful. It was easy to see that if the Jays continued with their current plan of building from within and only adding inexpensive complimentary pieces 2013 was basically a write-off as well.

If I were Darren Oliver talking to my agent, I'd tell him I'd rather retire than pitch for the Jays for $3 million. And after that, why would I even need to talk to him?
Geoff - Tuesday, January 22 2013 @ 06:58 PM EST (#268234) #
As the Left Hand of His Majesty The Great Ruler Anthopolous, Sir Oliver will be a treasured member of His Majesty's Court. He should be adorned with jewels befitting a Great Knight of the Blue Jay.

While he does serve at the pleasure of his Ruler, and His Majesty's right to exercise an option on certain Great Knights, the Jester Jeff Frye does beseech the Great Ruler on behalf of the nobleman Sir Oliver to extend extra gold towards a noble and loyal subject that will be said to retire if his stipend does not encourage him from his bed chambers.

At a recent court, Jester Jeff had this to say:
"Who will slay all the gauche warriors of other lands if not Sir Oliver? Honour him! May all be forced to pay tribute to his grand battle skills, and ask nothing more of him than he has already promised. Do this and he shall make champions of us all! Do not and he shall sit in his castle and watch me dance while you all suffer death at the hands of your enemies. Nothing really matters to us. He and I are of greatness born. May the Blue Jay fly forever. Praise be unto Beeston."

The Jester was then jailed for six months.
Named For Hank - Tuesday, January 22 2013 @ 11:47 PM EST (#268247) #
I feel like we need to try to convince Sir Darren Oliver to come to Medieval Times with us. It's probably his kind of scene.
The Unpublished Compensation Packages of Darren Oliver, by Jeff Frye | 12 comments | Create New Account
The following comments are owned by whomever posted them. This site is not responsible for what they say.